DonJohrian

Today, I realized, that my mother is a narcisst. She read my diary ! She made up lies: "You wrote, that you are ashamed of me and tell that to your friends". But she didn't read, that I'm almost constantly worried about her, because she's alone, suffers from alcoholism etc. ... And when I'd confronted her with her lies, she said "Maybe you flushed those pages down the toilet". Again, I confronted her with her lies and she became aggressive. She insulted me (again): "no-good", "unwilling to work", "dirty c*nt face", "How DARE you telling this to your mother" etc. She threatened me "If you don't leave, I'll call your uncle to throw you ou

My depression is back, even worse than before. Since many weeks I can't stop thinking about dying, I'm desperate, I'm lonely. For a few days I haven't been able to eat properly, I haven't been able to do sports, because I've been feeling weak and powerless, going to bed thinking "I hope this is all a dream and I wake up in a better world tomorrow - and be happy". Maybe it's just autumn, the leaves are dying, the weather getting more uncomfortable, it's getting dark sooner. But I think it's something else. For a few weeks I've been going to life counselling at our local protestant church (I'm catholic) to come to terms with the past 30 years

Yesterday, my mother got me a new crucifix pendant -  and I cried out of joy and remorse. Something I'd totally abandoned and mocked in the past, came back with such energy ! It seems to me that the past days were a kind of a catharsis. The tears washing away the thick layer of depression which covered my soul. I can't really tell you how I'm feeling right now. A mixture of hope, joy, strong remorse and other strange feelings. So awesome ! I'm in a total metamorphosis - back to the person I'd been ! Last but not least my message to all of you who suffer from depression ! If you feel alone, remember, that there is someone who will always